Not really mine

Saturday, after the longest of days, I tucked Lily into bed and she looked up at me and said, “Mom, I know it was frustrating and drove you crazy, but I think you did a great job and should do it again.” She was referring to the fall carnival of which I had been the chairperson of the planning committee and one of the main event runners for. (It was one of the things that inspired the blog post before this, to be frank.) It was one of those mom moments you have to take a mental picture of and the next time she screams, “TORTURING MOTHER!” at me, I can take it out and remember how proud she is and that she really does love me.

So my daughter is growing up, daily, before my eyes. She is sharp and sarcastic and opinionated. I am not raising the perfect young lady who acts appropriately at all times, but she knows when to be respectful and when to be funny and already is developing the driest of wits. (Maybe it is all those episodes of the “The Office” and “Seinfeld”.) It kind of blows my mind that she is approaching 10 years old. Double digits! In a lot of ways, a child will always be your baby, but you start finding yourself in the middle of a conversation with them and it hits you, this is an adult conversation. This is a meaningful, important thing we are discussing and it throws you off a little. Maybe they agree with you and maybe they don’t. It is much different than any you had when they still thought you knew everything. Lately, I will laugh at something Lily says or asks and she gets irritated with me because it isn’t “funny”. I explain that I am laughing in amazement at her thought process, how she already seems to be “in on the joke”.

Other times I am reminded how young and naïve she is- like when she realized the death penalty is a real thing and still in practice. She just assumed it was an old fashioned notion that, of course, would have been ended long ago. She said “They still do that!?” her eyes wide in utter disbelief. Discussing segregation, she shakes her head in disgust and says, “soooo stupid,” anytime it comes up. “Why would anyone ever think like that? I just don’t get it!” My personal favorites are her thoughts on misogyny. Watching Sense and Sensibility she was confused as to why the mother and sisters had to move out of their own house so that their half-brother could move in after the father died. I explained, as is it is to a child in the film, that houses went from father to son, not father to daughter. She rolled her eyes.

These were all things she thought of on her own. No prodding or planting of ideas from dear old mom. She is a person with her own opinions and frankly, she could care less what you think about them (which I LOVE!). I guess what I am saying is, I have had a relationship with this girl since she was born (and before, for that matter) and I am still getting to know her. I remember hearing Goldie Hawn once talking about once your child is born, they aren’t really yours anymore. Because they are a separate person now so they belong to themselves. You can guide them and try protect them, but they are their own person. I am beginning to understand what she meant.

Self-inflicted time suckage

So I had an interesting conversation last night with my husband about how I use my time. I always feel like I have none of it, but don’t we all. He pointed out, and when I really started breaking it down I agreed, that a lot of the running I do is self-inflicted.

I am a mover. I have calendars set up on Microsoft Word from now through January and generally always have plans set weeks in advance. It is a practice I started when I was pregnant and have continued. When I started this, my whole life was planning for that big moment- the day the baby came- so it made sense to know exactly what was coming. Now I wonder if it is really necessary or are these calendars are just enabling me to see too far into the future. So much so that I over-plan mine and my family’s life. This summer I had 6 full weeks off of work and promptly filled every day with something. (I am attempting to not make a calendar for those weeks at all this year. )

How much of my life is spent on unnecessary things? How often do I stay home an entire weekend and just hang out and read with my kid? Read a book alone for that matter? Have a great, un-rushed conversation with my husband? When someone asks me what is going on, it is impossible to make it a short answer so I generally make a joke about how “crazy” everything is. I even have more leeway because I married a neat freak who cleans the house and cooks most nights, yet I often have nearly every weeknight filled and weekends are even worse.

Here’s an example: today I woke up and made a sack lunch for my daughter and went to work. After work today I a) have a meeting to pick up something for the fall carnival at my daughter’s school, b) have to drive my daughter to softball practice, c) will leave her there while I rush to a PTA meeting that I will, in turn, have to leave early in order to d) get back to the softball practice to hand out raffle tickets for her team that are my responsibility as Team Mom. I will get home just in time to get the kiddo to bed. Then I have laundry to do, etc. It sounds like I am complaining, but the simple fact is that no one made me do any of it. The only real requirement tonight is taking Lily to softball. That’s it.

It makes you wonder what would happen if you just removed yourself from the extraneous activities. Would the world fall apart? There is something to be said for those supermoms that do it all. I respect them, but I don’t think I want to be one of them. I think, sometime soon, I need to quit trying to be PTA Mom, Team Mom, Super Mom and just be Lily’s mom.

A reminder to keep everything in persepective

a forward I actually read-

"Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children together.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better... She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren..

Love,

Your son John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card. That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you...

Call me when it's safe to come home."

Evidently, I still have a curfew

Just when you feel like a real live grown up, your grandmother sits in her living room waiting for you to get home. You have been out too late. It is 12:45 AM.

I went to Groesbeck, TX this weekend for homecoming and stayed with my grandmother- a long time resident. I lived and went to school as a Groesbeck goat from 3rd-6th grade and still think of it as my hometown, of sorts. If you have not experienced a small town homecoming, you have no idea what a big deal they are. First, of course, there is the football game on Friday night. The entire town is there and it a cacophony of old men yelling at the coaches and/or referees, giggling teenagers and jingling bells from the multitude of gigantic mums. Then, Saturday morning is the homecoming parade in which each class from the high school, yes THE high school, hosts a float as do many area businesses. The whole main strip is shut down for the vintage cars, floats, trailers, horses, etc. Then on to the Groesbeck Exes Association BBQ lunch. That is usually it for me, but this year, I was invited to the Groesbeck Class of 1994 15-year class reunion. I moved away just before 7th grade, but spent four intense years with these guys and through the miracle of Facebook, have become reacquainted. I went to my first official "Pasture Party" (I have the camouflage "Goats '94" koozie to prove it) and had a grand ole time until about 12:02 (2 minutes after I had planned to be home) when I get a text from my sister who is at Nana's house.

"Nana is waiting up on u. I told her u were still there and she said u just had 2 come home because it is so late"

Now, I had a midnight curfew back when I was 17, but that was about, oh, I don't know, sixteen years ago! It's not like I party all night every weekend, but when I do go out, I usually manage to stick it out til about 3 AM or so- especially when I am hanging out with people I haven't seen since I was 12. But how do you explain to the sweetest old lady in the world why anyone would want to stay out past 12 when she is sitting in her recliner, in her rollers and no dentures, stiff with worry because some guy was once killed in a car wreck near the street I was on. So, grumbling, I said my goodbyes and headed to the car to drive the 4 minutes from the party to Nana's house. An old buddy came running to the car to let me know where everyone was heading to for the next "phase" of the evening and to say how glad she was that I came. Talk about adding insult to injury. I didn't want to leave that party, much less miss out on a whole new location!

But maybe it was good. I am always the last to leave a party and take the chance of wearing out my welcome. This time, thanks to Nana, maybe I left them wanting more.

Happy Mother's Day

I haven't posted in forever, but I thought this article was worth it. I am struggling with my over-protective ways, but getting more bold by the day. Lily has taken to scootering around the few streets right around us on her own and she loves the independence. Baby steps, right! So anyway, here was my inspiration.

Best and Worst of the Oscars- Ceremony Edition

There are more best than worst cause I am an optimist and I thought, for the most part, the show was great this year. Here goes:

Best- The Montages – Especially the action and comedy ones- I haven’t seen The Reader either, but putting it in the comedy section was inspired. Now I will probably laugh when I shouldn’t. The action montage just ruled- nuff said.

Worst- Irritating music playing while presenters were talking- While I like the idea of the throwback to a dinner club, etc. The extra music was distracting.

Best- The Stage and Seating design- They made it intimate and the old school club setting worked well.

Worst- Movie Musicals number- Yikes. I love musicals and I hated this. First of all, I’m not sure when the rule started that Beyonce isn’t allowed to wear pants, but it is time to change that. Girlfriend is hot as she can be, but it is getting old. The songs were too random and choppy sequencing just didn’t work. I would have been much happier to see the cast of Mamma Mia, period.

Best- Acting Award Presentations- It actually was an honor to be nominated because each nominee was given more than the obligatory name check.

Worst- Sophia Loren- I am all about the legends and older women owning their sexuality, but there comes a time, okay. The make up was bad, the wig was bad, the dress was reaaaaaaalllllly bad. Her delivery of her section seemed like it was done with eyes half way rolling. Meryl deserves better.

Best- Shirley MacLaine to Anne Hathaway- Even if it was written for her, Shirley made it feel like she was talking off the top of her head and Anne’s reactions were priceless.

Worst- Dark Knight doesn’t win much- I loved Slumdog Millionaire, but The Dark Knight got way snubbed. It was one of the best movies of last year, easily.

Best – Sean Penn’s speech- Mentioning in an honest way, as a friend would do, Mickey was gracious and touching. The opening line was classic and without being overly dark, he said exactly what he meant about prejudice.

Best- Danny Boyle’s smile- Effusive, genuine and contagious

Best- Dustin Lance Black- Whatever your opinion, there is never anything wrong with telling young people that they have value. He used his time up there to do something besides read a list of names. Good on him.

Worst- Cut to Angelina repeatedly during Jen’s stage time- It was in bad taste (but we knew it had to be done). It was like watching your divorced parents at a wedding and wondering how it is going to go. Surprise everybody! They are both grown ups so it was fine and a nice smile was exchanged.

Best- Kate Winslet’s dad- That whistle and her big wave to him was so adorable. It reminded you that she is just somebody’s kid and she wanted to wave to Mum and Dad.

I'm Just Sayin'

This is supposed to be a "warts and all" picture of Brad Pitt in W magazine. He isn't that boy from "Thelma and Louise" anymore, but there ain't nothing wrong with that.